As a young man, visiting the internet these days is a tumultuous time, for many reasons we needn’t go into here. We are not here to debate politics, or philosophy, or even contest with experiences you might have had. Instead, without being naive or disrespectful, we wish to try and help young men who may have adopted some bad ideas as their own, ideas that may ultimately force them out of the dating circuit through attitude alone.
As a youth, it’s important to keep the healthiest optimism and to be the best man you can be. What you set the stage for here is often what you grow into. For that reason, dating is an essential part of your growing romantic and sexual health. Let us consider how this can be helped and what ideas should really support you through this awkward learning process:
Ideas About Courtship – Do Not Manipulate Your Date
When you head on a date, odds are you’re nervous about it. You may decide to google ‘how to achieve the best results on a date’ or ‘how to make her/him like you.’ This can yield some advice, most of it middling, some of it terrible. This is especially worrying if you hit into the field of PUA or those who refer to themselves as ‘pick up artists’. We needn’t go into this in detail, as you likely know what that can entail. Simply put, it’s a range of habits and practices to make sexual success the forefront at a date, distilled from the many experiences of those who find success in other fields.
But even if you managed to find a guide like this or something that helps you achieve the best date possible, looking up a guide is being manipulative. It’s not helping you address the person in front of you. Instead, all you are doing is reducing them down to a formula, a means to which you can ‘succeed’ in whatever measure you consider appropriate. Do not manipulate your date. It is not healthy, it will push you away from them, and even if it does help, it will simply lead you to have an inauthentic experience. The more you spend time with the person, the more your natural self will unveil itself.
Remember, it can always be tempting to cover yourself when thinking of failure. None of us wish to fail when taking someone on a date, because it can feel truly humiliating. But it’s much better to make mistakes, to learn from them, to have an awkward date here or there or even realize that person is not the best for you rather than use some kind of prewritten internet guide to tell you how to act, think and feel. Do not manipulate your date, because ultimately you’re going to be manipulating yourself.
Don’t Force Things
It’s very tempting to rush things when you are interested in or attracted to someone. You may simply wish to move things along, perhaps become intimate with them, or simply spend as much time as you can texting them every minute of the day. Don’t do this. Don’t force things. Learn the great art of patience.
First of all, this can stop you from becoming so immediately clingy that it pushes the other person away. Additionally, it can also help you completely control your feelings of interest or even lust, because this is not a healthy way to approach someone you know without a mutual sense of understanding, let alone someone you have only just met. Do not force things, and if things are being forced on you, do not feel as if you have to comply.
Sure, if you’re taking a date out for the fifth time and your friends are joking about how you’re going to marry them before ‘hooking up,’ you may feel a slight sense of anxiety. Are you doing things incorrectly? No. Being patient and letting the natural connection develop between you is something that no one else can share. It is the essence of great love stories such as Romeo and Juliet, and many others. But first, you have to let the story unfold.
Ideas about Courtship – Avoid Becoming Bitter
You are going to be rejected. You are going to be belittled. You are going to be stood up on dates, and you are going to have things go well for a time only to be ghosted or ignored. This is a natural part of dating, unfortunately. However, you can reduce the frequency of these happening if you stay genuine, and opt for good partners to pursue.
Additionally, avoid becoming bitter. While you might decide to research ‘why women cheat?’ or ‘what to do in the heat of an argument?’ it’s important that the conclusions you come to are healthy and do not disparage the humanity of anyone you were romantically involved with. Do not become bitter about failure, or missteps. It’s just part of the process. As you gain experience, you will be much more confident.
Do Not Put Your Date On A Pedestal
If you are a young man, filled with energy and vigor, it is very easy to put your romantic partner on a pedestal. You may think they can do no wrong, and this gives them power over you. Sure, you might have scored a date with one of the most attractive women you’ve ever met. But remember, ‘beauty is only skin deep’ is something important to consider. What is their personality? Do they communicate with you, or are they dismissive? Despite viewing this person as an ‘achievement’ on your end, which is unhealthy in itself, it’s also unhealthy to think this permits them some kind of power over you.
Remember, dating is supposed to be a fun, healthy, mutual and exciting activity. If you feel out of your comfort zone or as if you are having to bend over backward for them, do not become bitter, do not use an online technique, just leave and retain your dignity for another day. Sure, you might lose out on an attractive partner because of this. But what you gain is your self-respect and the healthiest resolution to this encounter.
Ideas about Courtship – Never View Someone As Only Intimacy
People have one night experiences with others all the time. If it’s both consented to, this is fine. Some might say this is an itch you can scratch. However, you must never go into this with only this goal in mind. This is because it’s hollow. When you’re young you should feel open to having your fun of course but remember that viewing people as this and only this can lead to some pretty unhealthy ideas about the opposite or even the same sex.
Remember, there’s a person behind all of this. Keeping that in mind can keep you oriented to the fundamental truth of the situation, and will help you avoid the long-term issues that can come with neglecting such a fact.
No One Owes You Anything
You’re in the prime of your life. You’re young, you’re in good shape, your hairline is still youthful, you have the most energy during the day, you are in good spirits and have a wardrobe full of well-fitting clothes and nice aftershave to match.
Despite all this, no one owes you anything. When heading for a date, even if the other person has agreed, they owe you nothing. Keeping that in mind can help you avoid reacting badly should the date go wrong. It can help you avoid feeling as though you deserve a date with someone, or that you’re owed a kiss by the third date, or that because you’ve had so many dates, you should surely have gotten a girlfriend by now.
Remember, keep calm, and press on. Remember that life isn’t all about who you are with or how easily you can get them. When you think this way, you can be open to the actual nature of what is in front of you, rather than an artificial idea in your mind.
However, here there’s a flipside. You also do not owe anyone anything. Keeping that in mind can help you avoid thinking you need to completely perfect each date, or that you should by default pay for absolutely everything, or that someone is entitled to a kiss after so many dates. When you keep this in mind, the actual truth of the relationship can develop without obligation, and it will be so much more special for you and the other party. In this way, you can better yourself appropriately.
With this advice, you’re sure to avoid unhealthy ideas about courtship and better yourself on the dating scene. Good luck!
Feature image via Pexels – CC0 License
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