Dads one of my favorite customers has five kids and was giving me parenting advice when Caitlyn is old enough to date–which will be in about 30 years. I don’t think he wrote this himself, but it was too good not to share with the world. Dads, I am sure we ALL feel this way about our little girls.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter. Not in front of me–ever until after you marry her, then not in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them. You will no longer have hands.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. I’ve been meaning to take the high powered tool out of the packaging.
10 Rules for Dating My Daughter, Let’s Talk About Sex
Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a ‘Barrier method’ of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Any questions?
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only small talk I need from you is your perfect driving record and the additional added side and corner airbags. In fact to keep it short, I really just need to know when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: ‘early.’
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you or you are proposing marriage. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. She is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. My daughter has HeyWAY on her phone, I monitor her GPS location every five minutes.
10 Rules for Dating My Daughter, Let’s Have the Truth
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and enough land behind the house. Do not trifle with me. I have a network of good attorneys. Your murder would only be my first offense–self defense.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight, speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged gun-pointed-face at the window is mine.
Quick copy of your license, please pee in this cup, and have a great time tonight!
Dads what would you add to the list? Daughters what other rules do your dads put on your dates?
Featured image of me and Caitlyn.
useful information. It’s really good
I added your blog to bookmarks. And i’ll read your articles more often!
superb article . Will definitely copy it to my blog.Thanks.
I’m not sure you’re being too fair really, a bit over protective. Doing this will only lead her to rebel in later life. Trust me I know! I am living proof of a strict upbringing!
That depends…. My Daddy is kinda like this… but my mom is much worse, and none of my sisters nor I really rebel.
Thanks guys, glad you like it. Cassie, good feedback as well. I’m not quite as over protective as I lead on here, but there is a lot of truth in my humor!
nice article …i loved it
wow…..hahahaha. I love Rules 2!!
HAHAHAHAHA! This is GREAT! I love to have all these thoughts sometimes, in my head, those little voices. LOL I loved everything about this post!! Thank you. And yes, I’ve got you bookmarked now.
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I’m Out! 🙂
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Thanks everyone. Glad you like my humor. My daughter even found this very funny–I guess she doesn’t take it seriously, yet!
Hi, Fred.
I laughed at the pee-in-the-cup comment. I think most people on the outside (esp parents) read this and think it’s sweet how much of a protective daddy you’re being. And Caitlyn is still a very young teen. I remembered feeling like I wanted to lock Amanda in a room and throw away the room at 13. And I remember what I was like at that age too, God help my family at that time.
Now that I’m an adult and my daughter is 17, I’ve tried to arm her with doses of independence, all the sex-as-emotion conversations and AIDS/STD literature to be had, and a birth control shot. It will not do her any good to be standing in front of us pregnant, saying “But we are in love!” It’s out-of-date thinking (and acting). Sex happens in hormonal humans, and my goal here is for her to be healthy and happy, not slave to the norms of entirely obsolete dating rituals.
Just my two cents, but Caitlyn will one day be a capable, grown woman, and hopefully going to college to get an education and not just to get her MRS. degree. I do wish I had a shotgun sometimes, though.
Andi,
I agree completely and you open up and address some issues that I would handle differently in a nuclear family or a blended one with same morals and ethical values. Birth control! My Christian parenting values would normally let me focus on abstinence only. But seeing how my daughter is a blended child from which she spends a great deal of time “latch key” and alone at mom’s house, it is another factor entirely. Actually this issue is the making of a great blog post.
Glad you like the humor and I happy my daughter still finds humor in it as well. Time will tell. I do advice owning a shot gun, even if your purpose is just to clean it publicly every now and then. Good days are when the boyfriend is over. :p
Question? Has your daughter’s mother, ever, commented on any advise you have given on “Daddy got Custody”? Perhaps you are taking her to school! jfn
James, without question I am taking her to school. But any tips and advice she gains from this site should be a mutual benefit to our daughter. No, she had not commented on this site.