“[O]ver the years, I’ve interviewed numerous children in connection with my child custody law and mediation practice. When asked about their feelings and wishes, NOT ONE child responded that they wanted more child support from Daddy. I have had a few children request that their Dad didn’t have to work so much so they could spend more time with them. Out of all my interviews, the only time the words ‘child support’ were mentioned was when a child stated, ‘I wish Mommy wasn’t so mad at my Dad about child support so that I can see him.’” – Merissa Grayson
Although a top concern to parents, children of divorce don’t care about child support; younger children don’t even know what that is.
Your Kids Care about their Dad
What children are most concerned about is that they want to, without worry, spend time with their Dads. Children want and do need money and to spend time with both parents, but one shouldn’t be sacrificed for the other. Children want their fathers involved in their lives that go beyond money and what it can buy, such as:
- Become involved in their schooling. Share in the importance in getting good grades by encouraging them to work hard, helping with school projects, and volunteering to chaperone school field trips.
- Support extracurricular activities. Attending athletic, musical and any other performance that will help create a bond between parent and child. It also helps to cheer for them when they succeed and encourage them when they fail.
- Everyday living. Teaching life skills such as hygiene, manners, how to socially interact, how to deal with adversity, and about respect and self-esteem.
- Quality Time. Spending quality time such as having a game/movie night, family outings, picnics, amusements, swimming all qualify as quality time. And what you do isn’t as important as that everyone has a good time.
[tweet “Dads, be involved in your kids school activities.”]
Child Support Should have No Bearing on Visitation
Issues such as child support should be handled through legal channels; remember, it’s important that your child has a positive relationship with both parents. Never discuss child support with children. Child support is an adult issue and your kids care more about their Dad than child support.
What are your feelings about child support? Or unpaid child support? Should children be kept out of the discussion?
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I never discussed child support or mentioned it to our child. Unfortunately, after spending a weekend with his father, he said “my dad says he gives you money for me…..what do you do with it?”
I would play it down, but acknowledge it. “Yes, both me and your father contribute money to take care of you. That’s what parents do. … So do you have any homework we need to work on before school on Monday?” (My daughter always came back on Sunday nights.) The real issue is you don’t make it the centerpiece of conversation and you certainly don’t hold non-payment as a factor for visitation.
My Ex got up to 45k of back child support, but I kept it quiet from my daughter during most of her childhood. I tried very hard to never let my feelings about it interfere with visitation. That’s really my point. Hang in there!