The other night, SuperParentMom was feeling under the weather. And she said those five dreaded words any non-shopping husband like me, wants to hear…
“Please go to the store.”
But after being married for 13 years, I could tell this was serious and she was NOT feeling well. The request was simple, she needed Cranberry juice. I said, “Honey bunny, anything for you.” Grabbed my keys and headed for the door.
I didn’t bother to change because after all it was after 10pm on a school night, my kids were long since asleep, and I was already in my Mickey Mouse pajamas and red Crocs. Who would I run into? Besides, it’s not like I am running for school board or anything.
I should have known I was in trouble when the Walmart Super Center parking lot was pretty full. I couldn’t decide which door entrance to park near Pharmacy or Automotive? I figured, cranberry juice was more pharmaceutical, so I parked in that section.
I was overwhelmed by the monstrosity of the store. When did Walmart become a grocer? Okay so maybe it’s been a while since I’ve seen the inside of a Walmart.
Understand, I have shopped for food before. I use to buy Ramen noodles and beef jerky regularly, last century in my pre-married days. But according to my uh hum, non-inked pre-nuptial verbal agreement, SuperParentMom is in charge of all “purchased consumables, interior decorating, and children wearing matched clothing departments” except during “emergency situations when husband is placed in charge conditionally.” Over the past decade, I have been “conditionally in charge” of at least one case of diapers, and a box of chicken ramen noodles when SuperParentMom was out of town.
Walking through Walmart at 10:30p at night, I could not believe the choices available to the average consumer. There are over 400 types of cereals, an entire aisle dedicated to salad dressing, and more than 100 types of chips. I counted more than 40 different types of Ziplocs and we own every one of them. No wonder SuperParentMom is considered the Ziplock queen! They have gallon size, freezer size, snack size and body bag size to name a few.
After 45 minutes, I finally found the Cranberry juice section. I stood in silence, much the way John did when the seventh seal was opened in Revelation.
I was about to text SuperParentMom being dumbfounded with the options, when she beat me to it. Her text read, “It’s been 45 mins. Where r u?”
That was code, for “You’re taking too long.” I narrowed my selection down to three: Diet Cranberry Juice, because even if you are sick, you can watch your girlish figure. Pomegrannate Blueberry Cranberry Juice, because of course you need 400 times antioxidants and why have one berry when you can have two? Diet Cran-Cherry Juice, because this sounds like something I would drink as we commiserate together.
I would have picked more, but I didn’t think to get a basket and I could barely carry three. Struggling and only dropping one of them once, I made it to the front check out. I realized then the next major shopping change. Where did all the checkout people go?
Guess I’m on my own. I scanned my first juice only to have the computer scold me and tell me to wait for an attendant. A real person showed up and told me I had to leave the bottle in the bagging section. I was obviously scanning them and returning them to my arms.
It was at this moment in my red Croc and Cranberry glory, that I realize the next million dollar idea…
There should be a Man Store!
Imagine a simple and easy store called, “Store.” That is only filled with ONE brand of every product. They are all organized alphabetically in 26 aisles from A to Z. There is only one of everything. One brand of toilet paper (found in aisle T), one brand of cereal (found in aisle C). It is a guy store from which Cranberry juice could be found in seconds without options. This paradigm change would cause men to shop for their wives more often and world would be a simpler place!
I am happy to report, SuperParentMom is doing better. She just needs me to go to the store for one more item… soup!
Would you shop at the “man” store? Would your man benefit from this fantastic idea?
Selfies courtesy of @FullCustodyDad with his iPhone.